ah-goo

Well that seems to be your first and favorite thing to say.. ah-goo. And what a beautiful voice you have, my son :)

Merry Christmas, baby!

Dear Jameson,

Merry Christmas 2009!

We had a very fun Christmas Eve last night, you got lots of great gifts and everyone was here holding you. Papa, Oma, Opa, and Uncle Jon came over. You are such a star.. I love you.

You of course slept almost the whole time, which made for a bit of an interesting night for Mommy and Daddy, but we ended up making up for some sleep this morning, thank you for finally sleeping in!

Your third week has been spent getting to know you better, your likes and dislikes and your sleep habits and eating habits. Daddy is convinced you don't like clothes.. I'm not. I think you just get annoyed when we try to dress you, otherwise you don't seem to care, and it's SO cold here right now I have to keep you all bundled up. Single digits. You love to be sung to, or hummed to, talked to and held. We got new bottles that I think are working even better. Daddy claims that you ate an entire 4 ounces this morning during his 'shift' from 5-7:30.

You are such a sweet baby.. your facial expressions still crack me up. You look awfully pensive and concerned sometimes.. and then you smile. That smile lights up my entire life for a few moments. I can't wait until you smile more and more.. what a wonderful gift you are to my life. You furrow your brows, stick out your tongue.. I try not to laugh but seriously, it's hilarious sometimes. Right now you're sleeping away in your vibrating bouncer, snuggled up in your swaddle wrap.

This morning after I fed you, I brought you in to say Merry Christmas to Daddy. Here's the video:

It snowed so we're having a white Christmas, it's really pretty out, just so cold.

Today we're going over to Oma and Opa's house for Christmas dinner. I'm bringing a salad, and Oma is making all kinds of good stuff that you can't eat yet.

You are our favorite gift this year, and for every year to come I can imagine.. I love you Jameson, so much more than I ever thought I could.

Love, Mommy

2 weeks

Dear Jameson,

Well your second week of life was mostly missed by me, that makes me sad. I had to go to the hospital and stay there for four long days because I was really sick. I'm all better now, and back home. I missed you terribly, which is probably why I can't let you go now that I'm home!

You turned 2 weeks old yesterday. The days and nights are somewhat routine, you have a nasty habit of snacking and sleeping in tiny spurts at night, then feasting and sleeping for hours on end during the day. We're doing things like leaving the lights on/shades up in your room during the day, making noise etc, and then closing everything up, darkening the room and getting really quiet at night.

We switched your formula back from the iron fortified (don't worry the one you're on still has iron), because it was making it really hard for you to go to the bathroom, and you'd cry and cry just trying so hard. We tried Karo syrup, and Mylicon drops .. I think one or both have worked a little bit. You don't cry as much, and you seem to sleep and eat a little better.

I feel like the days with you go by so fast, and that terrifies me. When I find myself hoping for night time because I can sleep, I feel bad because these days are so special and fleeting.. and you are such a treasure, I could lose myself in just looking at your face for hours and hours on end.

You had your first bath the night before last, you LOVED it! I think the warm water is a familiar feeling from when you weren't here yet. You love to have your head massaged, your face tickled. You love to be sung to, whispered to.. and if all else fails, swung around and SHHHH'd to. I think you like your bouncer that vibrates, it seems to almost hypnotize you. Your swing is still a good friend to you, you bask in the sunlight in the front room by the Christmas tree and just sleep to sounds of 'the womb' or music.

The dogs really love you. Well, I think Sebastian is more curious about you than anything. Kyla is Mommy #2. She patiently sleeps by your crib waiting for you to make a peep. If she's wandered too far and you start to fuss, she runs to you and cries wanting to be sure you're ok. When I feed you, she tries to lick you on the head, but we don't let her do that if we can help it. She also likes to get in your laundry.. that's a fiasco! She always wants to make sure you're doing ok, and we reassure her that you are. Everyone loves you so much!!

Today you have your two week appointment with Dr. Frand. Since your last appointment your umbilical cord stump fell off, as did your plastibell cover. Thank goodness, no more of that! He'll probably weigh you and measure things and make sure you're healthy. I'm going to ask him about your eating/sleeping, gas and constipation that seem to plague you a bit sometimes. We set up an appointment for a hip ultrasound on 1/4/09, Dr. Frand wants to make sure your hip is not too loose in the socket, he said it's probably fine, but he wants to be sure.

Ok my darling.. I'm going to end this now, I think I hear you about to make a fuss. In my feeble and uncreative attempts at singing to you, I find myself singing a little song I made up one day.. (you can laugh, it's ok..). "There was a little boy named Jameson... he's the sweetest boy I know. With his teeny tiny ears and his little button nose, oh how I love him so...". There's a few renditions but that's the basic.

I love you so much, and I feel so very blessed to have you in my life.

Love, Mommy

Dear Jameson

12/7/09
Dear Jameson,
I can’t believe you’re here. I remember back in March, you were nothing to me but a really scary line on a pregnancy test. And now you are the most enchanting creature I have ever come across. I had a bit of a rough time bringing you into this world, and thought people had lost their minds when they say “oh you forget all about that labor and delivery stuff”, but I do almost forget! I promise never to remind you of that experience when you misbehave or otherwise, unless you ask. Not that I plan to do a day to day memoir of your very new life, but I wanted to get the gist of what has gone on since I had you.

You were born on November 30, 2009 at 11:07am. I thought you would never get here! You were just 9 days early from your estimated due date of December 9, 2009. You were born at Littleton Hospital, and delivered by my midwife Diana Buckwalter. (She was great by the way.. ). Your daddy was the best labor coach ever.. I think he might have pushed harder than I did! You weighed 7lb 1.2oz, and measured 20 1/8 inches long. Your head is full of really dark downy soft hair, and you’re already stylin with a faux hawk that styles itself naturally.. Daddy think’s it’s pretty darn cool (so do I actually..).

Once you were finally here, you were plopped on my chest so that I could see you, and hold you. I have to admit, other than being instantly in love with you, I was a little weirded out that this tiny, squirmy, slimy, squeaking thing had been in me. You were so warm, moving around., squeaking and eventually crying a little.. But not much.

I don’t know how long I was able to hold you, just a few minutes and you were taken from me so that you could get all checked out and cleaned up. I don’t really know what they were doing to you over in the heating bed, you didn’t fuss that much though. You LOVE that heat lamp, and even later on in the room we had you under the lights and you just sunbathed and soaked up the warmth.. There were students there, learning how to care for a newborn baby.. That was annoying. You had your eye gunk squirted into your eyes, and then your shots. Vitamin K, and Hep B. By that time, your grandparents were in the room and I know every one of our hearts shattered a little bit when they had to stick you in your little tiny legs with those needles. It was over soon enough, and then you were passed around from Grandma to Grandpa to Grandma to Daddy, and I think at some point back to me.

Eventually we were moved over to the well mommy and baby side of the OB wing. We hung out a while, you had your first sponge bath, which didn’t work that well.. Darn students again. We tried the nursing thing, you did your best. I could have done better. My anatomy isn’t ideal for the whole breastfeeding thing, and going into this I had pretty much decided that you’d be formula fed. The nurses there were breastfeeding Nazis though. Made me feel like a horrible mother that I was wavering on that decision.

You were pretty sleepy, and hungry… sleepy and hungry… poopy and sleepy and hungry… (you’ve continued this pattern to a t so far).

We sent you off to the nursery for a few hours at night both nights we were there in a feeble attempt at getting some sleep. What a joke! I was semi drugged up, totally feeling horrible from all the pain (I wont get into that, like I promised), and just exhausted.. And entranced by you, worried about you..

Our second day in the hospital there were a barrage of visitors. You passed your hearing test, nurses came by to assist my half hearted nursing attempts, Diana came to check on me, and rub my belly to make sure all was going in the right direction. You had a visit from your pediatrician Dr. Frand, he said you are very healthy. Now I can’t even remember who else visited. Of course other than medical people, your Uncle Jon was there for a while, Aunt Rachel, and your Great Grandpa, Papa came by with Oma and Opa. They absolutely adore you, as they should. Day three in the hospital was similar. You had your picture taken, another visit from a pediatrician (Dr. Murphy this time.. FINALLY someone who told me it was OK not to breastfeed), the lactation consultant ‘heard’ I was thinking of not breastfeeding and came back to have a talk with me (good grief!!). We had been supplementing our attempts at nursing with some formula.. Which you guzzled down like a champ!

Finally we were released and could go home. Bundled you up, packed all your stuff, our stuff, hospital stuff. It was really cold and snowy. Your Oma was here at the house cleaning up and getting things organized and ready for your return. I was emotionally and physically run down.. To nothing. Crying about everything, overwhelmed, totally consumed by the “now what!?”s.
Ok, in the nature of being honest.. I’ll just say this. That first night home was HELL. As was the second. Not because of you, not at all… you were doing what you’re supposed to. Crying, eating, pooping, sleeping… over and over and over. I was the one having issues. I was so anxious I couldn’t sleep even when you were sleeping. I couldn’t eat. I was a little resentful of your daddy’s ability to cope with our new life (he is a total rockstar, you’ll see). I am still recovering physically from the labor that will not be discussed, and my old friend anxiety showed up again in full force. I also started getting a lung/chest cold of some sort that has almost been as debilitating as anything else so far.

I almost forgot the “Snip Snip” as your Daddy calls it.. And I’ll be brief because it does none of us any good to really go down memory lane about this. At your first doctors appointment on Friday 12/4 with Dr. Frand.. You got a very clean bill of health, he was very happy that you are such a piggy, and you had gained 4 oz since your discharge weight from the hospital. Daddy and I had made the decision to circumcise you from just about the moment we found out you were a boy. That was a MUCH easier decision to make before you were actually here.. I know in my heart it was the right thing, but it really sucked! (More for you than me!!). The method they used was called a plasti bell device. Essentially it’s a plastic ring fit over your penis that cuts off circulation to the foreskin that is then trimmed off. You got 2 shots to numb you.. They seemed to wear off on the car ride home. You were screaming bloody murder.. My heart was in the bottom of my feet in a million pieces.. I was devastated. You were totally inconsolable and in pain, and in my mind (and rightly so) I had caused it myself. You cried, I paced the floor. You cried, I went outside (it was like 5 degrees by the way!). I think Daddy almost cried too.. He was there with you though the entire time during the ‘procedure’ and said you were quite the little soldier!). I paged my midwife (why?), her partner.. No return calls. I paged your pediatric office.. A very very nice nurse from Childrens Hospital called back and talked to me about your crying and pain. By this time, you were sound asleep. She felt for sure that it was the car ride home, the restraint of the harness in the car seat that really got you. Duh! Made perfect sense. She recommended we try soothing you with a mixture of 1tsp sugar to 2oz water. We dipped your pacifier in it, and you were a very happy boy. It had to be the car ride home, you haven’t fussed about it since!!

Your third night, out of the hospital you went to stay with your Oma and Opa (my parents). They were getting a bit worried about me and my lack of sleep and offered to take you overnight. I was partially reluctant but knew that it would feel good to feel ‘normal’ again., and knew that they would take care of you better than anyone else in this world that I know. Daddy and I went to a nice dinner, and of course talked about you the entire time. I got all teary every time I thought of you and how much I missed you and wanted to hold you. Oma and Opa were of course having the time of their lives with you (but also up all night with your crying, eating, pooping..), they love you SO much. I was feeling pretty normal, after a while Watched a little TV with Daddy (hadn’t had time to do THAT for several days!), and went to bed at 11. Woke at 3, with my chest cough thing. Stayed up til 5.. Dozed off again for a couple of hours, up again for a few hours, then back to bed until 11.

Oma and Opa didn’t bring you back home here until after 5pm that next day, I was going crazy! I hadn’t really slept that much better with you gone, and all day was spent waiting for you to be back with us.

Finally that night (last night), I went to bed around 7, woke at 9 and Daddy came to bed. We wanted to try to sleep together, and only wake if you woke instead of one of us staying awake all the time ’in case’ you made a sound (prior to that, we’d been staying up in ‘shifts’.. Daddy would stay up at night from around 8pm til 2,3,4 am, then I would stay up from 3am til… all day). We slept until you woke around 1:30, and I stayed up with you until about 2:30. Then you woke again around 5, this time was Daddy’s turn, but of course I had to get up and make sure things were ok. Then I guess Daddy got up with you a couple more times, you ate so much! Around 7 we thought you were out for at least 3 hours, you ate a bottle and a half. As we laid there about to drift off… you let us know you weren’t ready to sleep. I think you just wanted to be held. Or your were wet, or both. I stayed up with you after I took care of my chest cold and took care of the dogs, with Daddy’s help.. And now here I sit.

You’re a week old today. One whole week! I am absolutely terrified for those weeks to become months, months to years, years to decades. I don’t want to miss a moment of your sweet little face, even if sometimes I want nothing more than to have a break from everything. You are such a sweet baby, you are beautiful. Even when you do cry, it’s not annoying or loud.. You squeak a little sometimes, and really if I weren’t so exhausted all the time, it’d seem really darn cute. You love to look at people’s faces.. You love to hear my voice, and you are a cuddle bug. You love to be talked to, and you love to have your skin stroked every so softly as you fall asleep. And you make REALLY funny faces when you drift off to sleep, I have to remember to catch it on video, you’ll totally crack up when you watch it later on. You do this kind of scary rolling your eyes in the back of your head thing, then you’ll frown, then you’ll lift your eyebrows, and make shapes with your mouth. It’s totally adorable, as is most everything you do, even when you pee across the room while I’m trying to find a new diaper, or when you spit up all over yourself right after I changed your clothes.. You’re amazing. I hope one day you know that you are.. I will do my very best to teach you that you aren’t anything less. I love you my sweet little boy.

Love, Mommy